5 Books Every Asshole Needs To Own

*Update 2016: I erased my original introduction because it read like a men's rights advocate blog. The rest I left.


Well, there's a guide for the no shit taking gold medalist in every event but the losery ones in all of us. Somewhere in these books, your unlimited potential is waiting to spray paint the world around you with phallic depictions signed by your name.

First Runner up....

Debauchery: Defined

For every single guy in his upper 20's that has discovered that being shit faced 90% of the time is the key to success. For the man who dreams about the walk of shame more than the walk down the aisle. Let Aaron Karo redefine what you call "heading to the bar" and shape it into "A failure-proof poon hunting session at the Fat Toad". It's like letting your junk wear a gladiator suit and do all the talking for you.

For the misogynist in all of us.....

 It DOES exist

It's not like you needed this book to teach you anything that you didn't already know just by surviving to see 21, but the articulation is masterful. Your manly instinct has skillfully taught you what all those adults and self help books tried to drown out with their lies, men have contributed every last thing that helps move society forward. An infectious world of knowledge await beyond the front page of this book.

For the Science minded individual.....

The Science of Getting Your Way

The only self-help book you will every need before you truly skirt through life...helping yourself. Let me ask you a question? The asshole in every movie you saw in the 80's got the girl, made the team, had the money, and at the end, lost it all. Well this book will teach you to live that life without the sad ending for little girls and emotional types. At work, at school, at home, in someone elses home, in your bosses office, in the daughter of your bosses bedroom, the science of getting your way.

For the Aspiring Asshole....

One of The First of Its Kind

This book has already proven it's educational vigor by selling over 1,000,000 copies since it came out. It should be made illegal to be able to call yourself a man and unlawful to use your testicles for anything ever if you haven't read this book first. From learning to cop a feel to educating yourself on the different and completely reasonable uses for violence, this book is where you should start.

And the winner is.....

  This book raped Tucker Max against his will.

If ever there was a book that was written for the sole purpose of making you the most diabolical GHB slipping piece of shit you or anyone you know has ever met than this, my friends, was written by the Prince of Darkness himself. Exploiting every known social courtesy you have ever been taught and turning it into a tool for evil, this book is a one way road to never trusting anyone but yourself and getting shit done. Not for the light hearted or the no....ball having... I guess... Read at your own risk!

The Charlie Sheen Family Breakdown

With all the attention that Charlie Sheen has been getting, what with the going insane and all. It was revealed to us this week that Charlie Sheen is actually a drug that makes faces melt and children cry (we knew it all along).   Its not surprising that we forget....he comes from what would appear to be a completely normal family. I'm sure there are a few skeletons in those 10,000 square foot solid gold walk in closets of theirs right? Let's see, they all appear to be the spawn of:

 Martin Sheen

Real Name: Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez

Likes: Art, Politics

As Seen In: Apocalypse Now, The West Wing

Memorable Quotes: "I just think that the only way we come to ourselves is through each other." and "George W Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd, a moron, if you'll pardon the expression."

Contribution to Society: Active in politics, charities, being wholesome.

Basically.... The most innocent old man in Hollywood. Married, kids, and a devout catholic. His stage name is actually in honor of a catholic bishop Fulton Sheen from his childhood. While most of us can't describe George W Bush without using the words nazi baby murderer or fucking buttrapist, Martin is apologizing for letting moron slip. If Jesus needed a tennis partner, he would pick Martin Sheen.  

Next we have....

 Emilio Estevez

Real Name: Emilio Estevez

Likes: Scuba Diving, March Madness 

As Seen In: The Outsiders, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, Maximum Overdrive, The Mighty Ducks (all 3), Young Guns I & II, Mission Impossible, Every good movie since 1983.

Memorable Quotes: "Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid." and "Jesus is coming and he is pissed!"  

Contribution to Society: Discovered Hockey, Emilio was the punchline of the best joke in Night at the Roxbury. First one to call Paula Abdul emotionally unstable.

Basically....It's Coach Bombay! Its the guy from every single awesome movie in the 80's. If Martin is the most innocent man in Hollywood, Emilio is easily the most trusted. The worst thing Emilio ever did was make millions of people cry after Hans died in the Mighty Ducks series. Emilio went from Brat Pack Heart throb to Action Star to Making you Cry to disappearing and becoming a legend. My Favorite Sheen who's not a Sheen by far.

And a lesser known...

Ramon Estevez

Real Name: Ramon Estevez

Likes: Guy Ritchie movies, Chemistry

As Seen In: Cadence, The Dead Zone, Alligator II: The Mutation

Memorable Quotes: "Hi, I'm Emilio's Brother" 

Contribution to Society: Gave me a reason to mention Burt Reynolds, didn't ask for too much money for being in the Alligator Movie.  

Basically..... Besides having anything to do with a movie called Alligator II: The Mutation, Ramon Estevez is innocent. He works at Warner Brothers in production development, and he's friends with Burt Reynolds. 

Wow! Bein a Sheen is AWESOME! I think in my dreams I'm playing lacrosse with the entire sheen family at the country club and cougars are practically paying me to look at them while I hit a hole in one on every hole. Hey wait a minute, I forgot about one sibling, everybody meet....

Charlie Sheen

Real Name: Carlos Irwin Estevez

Likes: Cocaine, Hookers 

As Seen In: Platoon, Wall Street, Hot Shots!, Spin City, Two and a Half Men, 20/20 recently

Memorable Quotes: "Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber." or "You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!' ... It fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm." or "I'm tired of pretending I'm not special...Like I'm not a bitchin rock star from mars".

Contribution to Society: Once shot fiance Kelly Preston, claims he has tiger blood, indirectly employs roughly 70 police officers, while the highest paid actor on television, demanded a huge raise from CBS, warned us that if he use him as a drug, our faces will melt and our children will cry.

Basically.... Every family has one bonafide crazy asshole brother who claims to be from mars and has tiger blood. Charlie has been on drugs for so long he might just believe all wacko clown shit that he's saying. 

Conclusion: I don't wanna be a Sheen anymore, if whatever Charlie is suffering from is communicable, then I should stay away, and I shouldn't have sex with anyone that Charlie Sheen has had sex with (Sorry Nevada).

Westboro Baptist Church Wins in Court

The Westboro Baptist Church. If you don't already know, these guys are the funeral protesters. Responsible for signs that range from the absurd "God Hates America" to the grotesquely offensive "God Loves Dead Soldiers". While I'm sure that Kansas is damn proud of their homegrown cult taking a filthy shit all over the memorials of the people we grew up with and loved, I feel like I can speak for the majority of us when I say that we are not quite as supportive. In fact, I would like to test their conviction to their protest by seeing how long they stick around with tear gas melting their retinas beyond repair. If you happen to find yourself attacking one out of uncontrollable rage some day, offer them my regards. I've never personally attended a funeral that they protested, but they look like this: 

And they are all under the direction of Fred Phelps:

A supreme court case that could have ended the protesting at military and guy funerals actually resulted in favor of the church. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts states that the first amendment protects "even hurtful speech". However, they are subject to laws that regulate distance and timing of protesters, like laws keeping you 300-500 feet from whatever it is you are protesting.

The Westboro Church's attorney....wait for it....is another Phelps. Margie Phelps represented the Church at the Supreme Court, and is currently challenging the stricter distance laws in Nebraska and Missouri. In response, Nebraska proposed a bill that would extend the distance you have to be during a funeral protest from 300 to 500 feet.

That's for you, Margie Phelps.

Finally, a good reason to vote. Margie Phelps has taken her Supreme Court win and allowed it to inspire her into taking it further. You can expect her to challenge every state's laws before this is over. If the Church had their way, they would be able to spit in your face at your own daughters funeral, and I'm not even sure they wouldn't. If you aren't quite sure just how far this cult takes their hatred, please, feel free to visit their websites for more info.

• www.godhatesamerica.com

                           or.....

• www.gothatesfags.com

Their are several groups that have made their stance clear when it comes to the church as well. The Patriot Guard is a motorcycle group that attends military funerals at the invitation of the deceased parents' or friends, in order to make Westboro's presence as transparent as possible.

This is alleged, but the guys at 4chan took down the WBC websites with a long slew of DoS attacks at least 3 times.

In response to the WBC's behavior here, the United Kingdom has actually banned Fred Phelps from entering its borders.

This is all getting pretty ridiculous, and if nothing I have said so far has swayed you, then look at this:

 Help me stop these people