The Charlie Sheen Family Breakdown

With all the attention that Charlie Sheen has been getting, what with the going insane and all. It was revealed to us this week that Charlie Sheen is actually a drug that makes faces melt and children cry (we knew it all along).   Its not surprising that we forget....he comes from what would appear to be a completely normal family. I'm sure there are a few skeletons in those 10,000 square foot solid gold walk in closets of theirs right? Let's see, they all appear to be the spawn of:

 Martin Sheen

Real Name: Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez

Likes: Art, Politics

As Seen In: Apocalypse Now, The West Wing

Memorable Quotes: "I just think that the only way we come to ourselves is through each other." and "George W Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd, a moron, if you'll pardon the expression."

Contribution to Society: Active in politics, charities, being wholesome.

Basically.... The most innocent old man in Hollywood. Married, kids, and a devout catholic. His stage name is actually in honor of a catholic bishop Fulton Sheen from his childhood. While most of us can't describe George W Bush without using the words nazi baby murderer or fucking buttrapist, Martin is apologizing for letting moron slip. If Jesus needed a tennis partner, he would pick Martin Sheen.  

Next we have....

 Emilio Estevez

Real Name: Emilio Estevez

Likes: Scuba Diving, March Madness 

As Seen In: The Outsiders, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, Maximum Overdrive, The Mighty Ducks (all 3), Young Guns I & II, Mission Impossible, Every good movie since 1983.

Memorable Quotes: "Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid." and "Jesus is coming and he is pissed!"  

Contribution to Society: Discovered Hockey, Emilio was the punchline of the best joke in Night at the Roxbury. First one to call Paula Abdul emotionally unstable.

Basically....It's Coach Bombay! Its the guy from every single awesome movie in the 80's. If Martin is the most innocent man in Hollywood, Emilio is easily the most trusted. The worst thing Emilio ever did was make millions of people cry after Hans died in the Mighty Ducks series. Emilio went from Brat Pack Heart throb to Action Star to Making you Cry to disappearing and becoming a legend. My Favorite Sheen who's not a Sheen by far.

And a lesser known...

Ramon Estevez

Real Name: Ramon Estevez

Likes: Guy Ritchie movies, Chemistry

As Seen In: Cadence, The Dead Zone, Alligator II: The Mutation

Memorable Quotes: "Hi, I'm Emilio's Brother" 

Contribution to Society: Gave me a reason to mention Burt Reynolds, didn't ask for too much money for being in the Alligator Movie.  

Basically..... Besides having anything to do with a movie called Alligator II: The Mutation, Ramon Estevez is innocent. He works at Warner Brothers in production development, and he's friends with Burt Reynolds. 

Wow! Bein a Sheen is AWESOME! I think in my dreams I'm playing lacrosse with the entire sheen family at the country club and cougars are practically paying me to look at them while I hit a hole in one on every hole. Hey wait a minute, I forgot about one sibling, everybody meet....

Charlie Sheen

Real Name: Carlos Irwin Estevez

Likes: Cocaine, Hookers 

As Seen In: Platoon, Wall Street, Hot Shots!, Spin City, Two and a Half Men, 20/20 recently

Memorable Quotes: "Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber." or "You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!' ... It fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm." or "I'm tired of pretending I'm not special...Like I'm not a bitchin rock star from mars".

Contribution to Society: Once shot fiance Kelly Preston, claims he has tiger blood, indirectly employs roughly 70 police officers, while the highest paid actor on television, demanded a huge raise from CBS, warned us that if he use him as a drug, our faces will melt and our children will cry.

Basically.... Every family has one bonafide crazy asshole brother who claims to be from mars and has tiger blood. Charlie has been on drugs for so long he might just believe all wacko clown shit that he's saying. 

Conclusion: I don't wanna be a Sheen anymore, if whatever Charlie is suffering from is communicable, then I should stay away, and I shouldn't have sex with anyone that Charlie Sheen has had sex with (Sorry Nevada).