5 Books Every Asshole Needs To Own

*Update 2016: I erased my original introduction because it read like a men's rights advocate blog. The rest I left.


Well, there's a guide for the no shit taking gold medalist in every event but the losery ones in all of us. Somewhere in these books, your unlimited potential is waiting to spray paint the world around you with phallic depictions signed by your name.

First Runner up....

Debauchery: Defined

For every single guy in his upper 20's that has discovered that being shit faced 90% of the time is the key to success. For the man who dreams about the walk of shame more than the walk down the aisle. Let Aaron Karo redefine what you call "heading to the bar" and shape it into "A failure-proof poon hunting session at the Fat Toad". It's like letting your junk wear a gladiator suit and do all the talking for you.

For the misogynist in all of us.....

 It DOES exist

It's not like you needed this book to teach you anything that you didn't already know just by surviving to see 21, but the articulation is masterful. Your manly instinct has skillfully taught you what all those adults and self help books tried to drown out with their lies, men have contributed every last thing that helps move society forward. An infectious world of knowledge await beyond the front page of this book.

For the Science minded individual.....

The Science of Getting Your Way

The only self-help book you will every need before you truly skirt through life...helping yourself. Let me ask you a question? The asshole in every movie you saw in the 80's got the girl, made the team, had the money, and at the end, lost it all. Well this book will teach you to live that life without the sad ending for little girls and emotional types. At work, at school, at home, in someone elses home, in your bosses office, in the daughter of your bosses bedroom, the science of getting your way.

For the Aspiring Asshole....

One of The First of Its Kind

This book has already proven it's educational vigor by selling over 1,000,000 copies since it came out. It should be made illegal to be able to call yourself a man and unlawful to use your testicles for anything ever if you haven't read this book first. From learning to cop a feel to educating yourself on the different and completely reasonable uses for violence, this book is where you should start.

And the winner is.....

  This book raped Tucker Max against his will.

If ever there was a book that was written for the sole purpose of making you the most diabolical GHB slipping piece of shit you or anyone you know has ever met than this, my friends, was written by the Prince of Darkness himself. Exploiting every known social courtesy you have ever been taught and turning it into a tool for evil, this book is a one way road to never trusting anyone but yourself and getting shit done. Not for the light hearted or the no....ball having... I guess... Read at your own risk!

The Charlie Sheen Family Breakdown

With all the attention that Charlie Sheen has been getting, what with the going insane and all. It was revealed to us this week that Charlie Sheen is actually a drug that makes faces melt and children cry (we knew it all along).   Its not surprising that we forget....he comes from what would appear to be a completely normal family. I'm sure there are a few skeletons in those 10,000 square foot solid gold walk in closets of theirs right? Let's see, they all appear to be the spawn of:

 Martin Sheen

Real Name: Ramón Gerardo Antonio Estévez

Likes: Art, Politics

As Seen In: Apocalypse Now, The West Wing

Memorable Quotes: "I just think that the only way we come to ourselves is through each other." and "George W Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd, a moron, if you'll pardon the expression."

Contribution to Society: Active in politics, charities, being wholesome.

Basically.... The most innocent old man in Hollywood. Married, kids, and a devout catholic. His stage name is actually in honor of a catholic bishop Fulton Sheen from his childhood. While most of us can't describe George W Bush without using the words nazi baby murderer or fucking buttrapist, Martin is apologizing for letting moron slip. If Jesus needed a tennis partner, he would pick Martin Sheen.  

Next we have....

 Emilio Estevez

Real Name: Emilio Estevez

Likes: Scuba Diving, March Madness 

As Seen In: The Outsiders, The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo's Fire, Maximum Overdrive, The Mighty Ducks (all 3), Young Guns I & II, Mission Impossible, Every good movie since 1983.

Memorable Quotes: "Ducks never say die. Ever seen a duck fight? No way. Why? Because the other animals are afraid." and "Jesus is coming and he is pissed!"  

Contribution to Society: Discovered Hockey, Emilio was the punchline of the best joke in Night at the Roxbury. First one to call Paula Abdul emotionally unstable.

Basically....It's Coach Bombay! Its the guy from every single awesome movie in the 80's. If Martin is the most innocent man in Hollywood, Emilio is easily the most trusted. The worst thing Emilio ever did was make millions of people cry after Hans died in the Mighty Ducks series. Emilio went from Brat Pack Heart throb to Action Star to Making you Cry to disappearing and becoming a legend. My Favorite Sheen who's not a Sheen by far.

And a lesser known...

Ramon Estevez

Real Name: Ramon Estevez

Likes: Guy Ritchie movies, Chemistry

As Seen In: Cadence, The Dead Zone, Alligator II: The Mutation

Memorable Quotes: "Hi, I'm Emilio's Brother" 

Contribution to Society: Gave me a reason to mention Burt Reynolds, didn't ask for too much money for being in the Alligator Movie.  

Basically..... Besides having anything to do with a movie called Alligator II: The Mutation, Ramon Estevez is innocent. He works at Warner Brothers in production development, and he's friends with Burt Reynolds. 

Wow! Bein a Sheen is AWESOME! I think in my dreams I'm playing lacrosse with the entire sheen family at the country club and cougars are practically paying me to look at them while I hit a hole in one on every hole. Hey wait a minute, I forgot about one sibling, everybody meet....

Charlie Sheen

Real Name: Carlos Irwin Estevez

Likes: Cocaine, Hookers 

As Seen In: Platoon, Wall Street, Hot Shots!, Spin City, Two and a Half Men, 20/20 recently

Memorable Quotes: "Resentments are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my saber." or "You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this bastard!' ... It fires in a way that is perhaps not from this terrestrial realm." or "I'm tired of pretending I'm not special...Like I'm not a bitchin rock star from mars".

Contribution to Society: Once shot fiance Kelly Preston, claims he has tiger blood, indirectly employs roughly 70 police officers, while the highest paid actor on television, demanded a huge raise from CBS, warned us that if he use him as a drug, our faces will melt and our children will cry.

Basically.... Every family has one bonafide crazy asshole brother who claims to be from mars and has tiger blood. Charlie has been on drugs for so long he might just believe all wacko clown shit that he's saying. 

Conclusion: I don't wanna be a Sheen anymore, if whatever Charlie is suffering from is communicable, then I should stay away, and I shouldn't have sex with anyone that Charlie Sheen has had sex with (Sorry Nevada).

Westboro Baptist Church Wins in Court

The Westboro Baptist Church. If you don't already know, these guys are the funeral protesters. Responsible for signs that range from the absurd "God Hates America" to the grotesquely offensive "God Loves Dead Soldiers". While I'm sure that Kansas is damn proud of their homegrown cult taking a filthy shit all over the memorials of the people we grew up with and loved, I feel like I can speak for the majority of us when I say that we are not quite as supportive. In fact, I would like to test their conviction to their protest by seeing how long they stick around with tear gas melting their retinas beyond repair. If you happen to find yourself attacking one out of uncontrollable rage some day, offer them my regards. I've never personally attended a funeral that they protested, but they look like this: 

And they are all under the direction of Fred Phelps:

A supreme court case that could have ended the protesting at military and guy funerals actually resulted in favor of the church. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts states that the first amendment protects "even hurtful speech". However, they are subject to laws that regulate distance and timing of protesters, like laws keeping you 300-500 feet from whatever it is you are protesting.

The Westboro Church's attorney....wait for it....is another Phelps. Margie Phelps represented the Church at the Supreme Court, and is currently challenging the stricter distance laws in Nebraska and Missouri. In response, Nebraska proposed a bill that would extend the distance you have to be during a funeral protest from 300 to 500 feet.

That's for you, Margie Phelps.

Finally, a good reason to vote. Margie Phelps has taken her Supreme Court win and allowed it to inspire her into taking it further. You can expect her to challenge every state's laws before this is over. If the Church had their way, they would be able to spit in your face at your own daughters funeral, and I'm not even sure they wouldn't. If you aren't quite sure just how far this cult takes their hatred, please, feel free to visit their websites for more info.

• www.godhatesamerica.com

                           or.....

• www.gothatesfags.com

Their are several groups that have made their stance clear when it comes to the church as well. The Patriot Guard is a motorcycle group that attends military funerals at the invitation of the deceased parents' or friends, in order to make Westboro's presence as transparent as possible.

This is alleged, but the guys at 4chan took down the WBC websites with a long slew of DoS attacks at least 3 times.

In response to the WBC's behavior here, the United Kingdom has actually banned Fred Phelps from entering its borders.

This is all getting pretty ridiculous, and if nothing I have said so far has swayed you, then look at this:

 Help me stop these people

Home Projects #4: Wrist Mounted Flame Thrower

This article is particularly exciting for me because I have to include a disclaimer here. If done incorrectly, and without checking your work, Home Project #4 might just blow your freakin jangles off (your arm too). 

IMPORTANT:  This article is intended for the use of the individual
and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor or irrational religious beliefs. Any dissemination, distribution or copying of this article is not
authorized. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the writing of this article, although the Yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft: However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this in error, please understand that it is your own damn fault.

So! As long as we can all agree to those completely relevant and legally binding terms, lets continue. I would like to start off with a quote from the late George Carlin, as I feel he will always be useful to me.

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Yes sir. Now of course the flamethrower George is referring to is the one that makes grown men cry and run with two broken legs whilst defecating in their own trousers in the 40's, made popular by the Germans who called it a Flammenwerfer 35, haha, those goofy Germans, they have a funny word for everything! BUT. What if we could scale it down a bit? Make it right for use in the home? Say for lighting really big candles, or melting snowmen? Well, fret not my legion of McGuyvers, I have found a solution. Behold, the wrist mounted flame thrower! 

 

For those big candles.

 This is actually fairly simple, its just EXTREMELY IMPORTANT that you CHECK YOUR WORK. All in all this project should cost about 40 bucks altogether to make. Here's what you need:

• Spiderman Webslinger Wrist Mount (Toys R Us)
• Devcon All purpose adhesive
• Canned Air or Keyboard Duster
• 1/4" Clear Vinyl Hose (about 2 Feet worth)
• Zip Ties
• 1/4" Drill/bit
• Two hands

Now we're ready to get started! I expect everyone reading this article to have undergone some form of common sense training and perhaps a shop class or two. I can't write you a step by step Oh The Places You'll go manifesto with directions to each minute detail (Read Disclaimer).


Here is your basic plan of action when using those evil hands of yours to create this particularly harmful device. Let's make Michael Bay proud people. 

The Spiderman web slinger allows you to shoot water....silly string...flammable liquids etc. all by pulling down on a lever placed on the wrist mount. 

Don't wear the included meltable gloves. 

However, the container isn't pressurized, and would only work for several seconds at a time without some source of pressure. The canned air or duster should work just fine. Take the red plastic cap off the duster, and sand it so that it is rough, don't sand the hole there the air comes out, just make the surrounding plastic rough. You are, using the adhesive, going to attach the vinyl hose by shoving the cap into it, leaving the bottom exposed (so you can reattach it to the can). 

Once you've done that, you'll notice there is a twist cap located on the top of your web slinger. Unscrew it, cut the string, the cap is useless for the evil purpose of your flame thrower. Using the adhesive once again, attach the hose to your water tank, making sure it is air tight. Now, just be applying pressure to the hose near the air canister, you have a way to pressurize you water tank. 

Should look like this

Time to find the right fluid to fill up your tank with. The best I have found is WD-40, which may only allow you to use this device outside, but has a low flash point and burns in a stream. The other way to fill it is to empty a can or two of Axe Body spray into your tank, then use the air to pressurize it.  Attach the web slinger to your wrist, use a lighter, placed in front of your hand, and pull the lever!

 Fun Factor: 12 1/2

I will more than likely come to edit this a bit to make it more word-friendly, but if you have any questions, come see me on Facebook, or drop a line in the comments section. Enjoy!

Elliott

Home Projects #3: Laser Pointer (That Lights Stuff on Fire)

It's important for the sake of your healthy curiosity, your desire to learn, and perhaps your unquenchable thirst for destruction, to understand that very dangerous things come in small and misleading packages. 

 Exhibit A

That's the Noisy Cricket for those who weren't enlightened enough to go watch Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith fight aliens for what some might describe as best hour and a half of their entire lives. Men in Black taught me most everything school didn't, while still inserting a heartwarming message of tolerance and unity. I'm not going to be teaching you anything like that today. No, today, we learn to build a laser pointer that can cut plastic in half.

I don't care what Al says.

Just open up the DVD/RW drive from an old computer tower, or the disc drive on your broken Xbox 360, and you have mostly all the parts you need. You only need to separate the laser diode from the sled it sits on. The laser diode is the actual laser that reads those games, cds, and dvs. It looks like this.

And it is beautiful. 

Those three prongs represent the positive, negative, and grounds for your new home made light saber. You are going to need to place the diode in a case of some kind, and then find a power source, and here's the best part. 

Here's your guy. 

MAKE SURE YOUR POWER SOURCE HAS A SWITCH. For the love of God have a switch installed, or watching your full powered laser pointer roll off the table with battery attached could blind 5 people before it hits the ground. This laser pointer will blind you if you shine it in your eyes, along with burn plastic, light matches, and be all around the coolest thing you own. Enjoy, and find me on Facebook if you have any questions. 

 

Home Projects #2: Disposable Camera Made Into a Taser

In case you haven't noticed, I have a very deep respect for electricity. Not just because it has the potential to send us into an epileptic episode or fry our hair or kill us just because we failed to harness it correctly, but because of the thin line it draws between innocently conventional and downright dangerous. 

Let me know how your cat likes the tropical climate

of your microwave.

The household items we use everyday to watch TV, dry our hair, listen to music, light our homes, and even open cans of tuna for Fluffy up there, are only two or three steps away from leaving us in a coma on our kitchen floor.

A homemade disposable camera/taser isn't particularly deadly to anyone not wearing a pacemaker, but it will shock you with an equivalent of about 300 volts. Guess what else? It only cost about $9.00 to make, and doesn't require anything more in depth than can be found in an 8th grade shop class. 

You're friends won't see you running at them with what looks like a porcupine of electrical wires and duct tape either....it looks innocently like the disposable camera you bought at Shoemakers for $8.00.

 Not for taking pictures

While your camera is charging  its flash lamp, its actually collecting about 300 volts via a small capacitor so that when you push the button, it forces all that energy into the lamp causing it to become very bright, if only for a second. Open up the camera, attach a few small wires to the ends of the capacitor, then close the camera back up, and instead of the lamp getting all that attention, a charged up flash actually gets fed to whatever lucky creature comes in contact with those wires. 

 

Kinda like this. 

I can't obviously explain the specifics of tampering with Walgreen's property here, but I can show you this completely unrelated Youtube video about protecting the environment. Enjoy!

 

Home Projects #1: Speakers That Can Kill You

If you're anything at all like me, then building something at home just isn't worth it unless there is a chance you might be killed in the process. There is otherwise no motivation for building it right, and there's no glory in surviving the construction of a birdhouse. 

Blowing it up, however.

I will now irresponsibly show you some speakers you can make it home, have amazing clarity, and also require that an electrical current to be exposed to the air, and flop around all willy nilly. The risk of electrical shock here is pretty high if you aren't careful, and to make it better, it requires a tank of ionizable gas to work, creating an odorless by product called ozone that's dangerous if you breathe too much of it in. To illustrate the danger here, I'm gonna give you this bag of steak and a pair of brass knuckles..

Now punch this bear in the face.

With a little bit of electrical know-how. You can make speakers that use the electrical arc to vibrate the air, making the sound waves you would hear made by speakers, only with more clarity and AWESOMENESS.