I Broke Down and Watched Twilight

While I did enjoy the film, I felt compelled to comment on one scene. Nothin major. Just faulty logic, which Hollywood is lucky only gets outed in free blogs like this. I'll save the trouble of writing nasty letters, death threats and kidnapped Schnauser's to the inevitably outraged readers of this blog.

Anywho. In the second film, there is a scene in which Bella our constantly in distress damsel, Edward the mind reading vampire, and Alice the clairvoyant (also a vamp), confront what I can only refer to as the Association of Vampirical Integrity and Well-being. The big boss, who will be known as Pasty Forehead Man, of course would like nothing more than his complete lack of shit giving towards humans get played out like a Saw movie in the form of Bella having her juicy lifeblood get sucked out of her like a Capri Sun.

 Guess which one I'm talking about.

Smart white girls are obviously on this guys shit list, leading me to believe that having a monstrously large powdered forehead awarded him no requests to the Sadie Hawkins dance and roughly a lot of No's from the ladies in his human years.

He subtly orders her to be emptied accordingly, which prompts the King of Preemptive Action Sir Edward Rosy Lips to intervene. This, my friends, is where it gets particularly ugly. Ed's attempt to save Bella are met with heavy resistance by Vamp number 4, or we can call him... Any pro wrestler with hands larger than John Goodman's face. Though agile, quick, and, ya know, mind reading, it is made abundantly clear to us at this point that Edward has no idea what a "chokeslam" is. He would have seen it coming, instead however, he gets the crash course of basic pro wrestling pain infliction about 9 times, destroying what I can only assume is stone furniture that for hundreds of years has furnished this particular throne room.

 Knowledge is power!

He is eventually subdued after destroying half the room with his head. Obviously, this minor act of aggression has a bit more of an impact considering the venue. Ya don't go to the principals office and throw a paperweight at his secretary, and ya don't go to the prime minister of Vampires and try to beat up his security by yourself.

 Though, admittedly, the office can be a crazy place.

So Pasty Forehead Man decides to squeeze in Edward for an immediate meeting with proper neck snapping and some dismemberment followed by fire.

 Great. I bet Alice is gettin pretty nervous at this point, I mean, if Edward and Bella both die, loose ends in the form of a clairvoyant vampire woman who's family was murdered gets kicked up a few notches on the honey do list.

Bella, distraught from watching Her boyfriend get manhandled by Andre the giant and be prepared for the damning of his immortal non soul to a special place for vampires prompts HER to speak up.

"Kill me! Not him" (not exact quote)

Okay.....

Yeah. Great Idea!

 I got my Masters here

That's kinda what we were tryin to do in the first place. Edward wasn't having a seizure he was trying to save you. So, kill you not him... Offers not really on the table anymore.

Let's take a step back Bella, because I suppose after I kill you, Edward here isn't gonna harbor any nasty feelings of resentment or anything.

 Not THIS guy.

He probably won't dedicate the next forever to devising some way to kill me and everyone I've ever talked to. Probably not. I'm willing to chance it.

Wait. Wait. No I'm not.

Also, regardless of Edwards more than likely though still only alleged desire to tear my head off right now and only more so after I pop your cherry so to speak, take a look around.

This architecture is hundreds of years old. That bench over there, the one that looks less like a bench than it does a pile of broken rock, I bought that in 1441, its fuckin priceless. The guy who made it died 500 years ago. So there's 6 ounces of gold I'm never gonna see again. The sign above the door says no rough housing, I specifically remained calm the entire time just so this wouldn't happen. Its not like I can insure this stuff, and even if I could, after about 200 years of having the same policy I think someone would get suspicious, that's not even mentioning the claim. What the hell do I say? Vampire brawl, no big deal mind your own business assholes? I didn't think so.

 No big deal or anything.

Edward your dad may be a doctor but I bet he's not in the market for a million dollar bench. I could have it fixed, sure, but then its not even the same bench. When Babe Ruths signature wears off a baseball ya don't fuckin trace it. Now times that by 6 and your talking about buying a new baseball and forging his signature and all ya got is a fake ass novelty item.

The steps leading to my throne are completely fucking smashed. Ill get a contractor to come and remake them with cement mix from home depot tomorrow. Or maybe, just maybe Edward, I can NEVER FUCKING USE THIS ROOM AGAIN BECAUSE EVERYTHING AWESOME ABOUT IT IS BROKEN.

 Well, get a broom then.

 Thank you for reading guys!

Elliott