Red Bull and the Apocalypse

Let's talk about Dakota Sailor. Dakota is an 18 year old boy from Carl Junction, MO who had a seizure and was hospitalized for 5 days after drinking just two (2) large energy drinks. Dakota and his doctor agree that the energy drinks may have been to blame. 

 I also did some LSD and watched a bunch of Pokemon. 

But I'm pretty sure it was the Red Bull.

Now The Poison Control Center has reported over 300 energy drink overdoses this year alone, reporting side effects that include seizures, rapid heart rate, irritability, and chest pain. No deaths though. Zero (0) deaths. So it could be said that Energy Drinks are no more dangerous than being surprised, going to a light show, a rock n roll concert, or perhaps watching Grey's Anatomy.

Considering the danger involved,
 I could probably be arrested just for showing you this.

The FDA may actually move to ban energy drinks in several states after communities became outraged at energy drink manufacturers' obvious plight to give you chest pains. I guess in America if you put it in a can and tell us it will make us the life of the party, then our life savings and our livers are yours for the taking. "Forget my liver! I'm gonna be famous!"

It's a shame nobody outfits these things with warnings! Directions perhaps, even something as simple as telling me when enough is enough would suffice. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT a MINUTE.

It must be really difficult to feign ignorance for the sake of rage. I imagine it's just as taxing to read a bunch of useful information and then play an idiot and pretend you didn't. These cans have been outfitted with warning labels for years, and almost all reports of overdose have resulted from drinkings MORE than the warnings say you should. If drinking more than the warning doesn't make the warning a legitimate representative for precaution, then it includes that CAFFEINE SENSITIVE persons shouldn't drink very much at all until they know it affects them. 

Sorry, pansy.

Did I mention that about a quarter of reported energy drink OD's are children under 6? Seriously? What parent is allowing their 5 year old to drink a can of Red Bull the size of his forearm? What kind of child that old could be ready for the awesome rush of power and charisma that is found inside of a BFC of MONSTER?

There he is.

So, a beverage with labels that specifically outlines how much is probably too much, ingredients listed, and daily servings charted, is on the verge of being banned for simply coexisting with morons.

Alcohol, on the other hand, reportedly boasts about 900 overdoses, a WEEK, does not include the ingredients, with no daily servings listed on the bottle. Also, instead of outlining what might be considered too much for the average person, it trusts the same people who don't understand what "Don't drink more than two per day" means with a warning as vague as "Drink Responsibly". I don't see anybody in line to ban the giggle juice.

Why's he look so tired? Get him a Red Bull.

It's been made fairly obvious that "responsibly" is a word that we don't understand, or, at the very least, can't say without a small giggle to indicate how ridiculous you sound saying it, CAN OF STUFF I'M GOING TO DRINK.