Lincoln Man Hired Police To Kill Roommates

Nothing screams "I'm a little upset" like hiring someone to murder your roommates. I believe, though I may be mistaken, that Andrew Yager probably only wanted to send a message of peace when he went looking for a hitman.

 

"You'll listen. I'll give you this fruit basket. Then I'll be on my way"

Now this story is from September, but for those of you who weren't reading the news, a 22 year old Andrew Yager was booted from his apartment by his roommate for "his behavior".

Whatever that means.

So In September he began telling his friend that he wanted his roommate "taken care of". Now before you says "Elliott, its obvious he was guilt ridden from being an asshole and wanted someone to do something nice for them."

Then congratulations, you made the same mistake I did. No, unfortunately Mr. Yager also mentioned some other things he would like to see done, including:

•  Her car get damaged
• Her Apartment get lit on fire and her be taken out
• Her back be broken, so she couldn't have sex, or go to the bathroom by herself
• He also mentioned having her dog killed

His friend, having the sneaking suspicion that all these statements might be early warning signs of Andrew planning to kill someone, tipped off the local authorities.

And they didn't like that at all.

So the undercover police then posed as a man willing to accept currency in exchange for directly causing the death of the roommate (that's the illegal portion of all this). After convincing the roommate to pose for a picture that would imply she was dead, they showed it to Mr. Yager, who laughed it off, $140 well spent!

This story has one.

Yager was arrested, and this week, pleaded no contest to a slew of charges that served him damn right for not punching a pillow instead.

The Newest Drug Everyones Doing And Not Telling You About

Nothing like a warm, soothing, aromatic bath to make you wanna talk to your couch about the intricacies of the universe, and how your genius will only be understood after the capitalist regimes have toppled and true enlightenment is experienced by this world of brainwashed consumers.

Already sold at head shops and gas stations, BLISS Bath Salts are not actually bath salts at all, but the latest drug taking the nation by storm and making the DEA curse the sneaky little jerk-offs at BLISS for sliding it right under all our noses....

 So to speak.

With the promise to "Energize the Mind and Body" with its Cocaine like effects is roughly equivalent to saying that getting tazed by the police may cause the hair on your arm to stand up. Ingestion results in an amphetamine like high that causes the user to experience euphoria, hallucinations, and psychotic episodes.

With reviews like this, it makes bath salt the new poor mans cocaine that can still be purchased with a credit card. 

 And this guy.

Stories have already surfaced of regular citizens going above and beyond the call of duty after experiencing the effects of this new wonder drug. In Panama City, Florida, a woman allegedly attempted to behead her 71 year-old mother, and another man used his teeth to chew up the back seats of a Florida patrol car.

 Damn dog found my Bath Salts.

So welcome to the world of online drugs, Cocaine's release from prison and his new Alias. The drug everyone is doing and nobody is telling you about:

Bubble Bath O'Malley

I would probably shy away from this one. And I think that's all I'm morally bound to say.

See ya tomorrow everyone!

Woman Attacks Boyfriend with Frozen Steak

Lessons learned from Louisiana:

1. Buy Floaties, just do it. 

 Suck it, Poseidon. 

                2. This is America, and this:

Is just fine.

 

                    3. Leave room in the freezer for the Tequila.

Or Edna here might kill you.

That's Edna Verdin, a 47 year old Louisiana woman who hates steak and loves tequila. On Sunday night she discovered that her bottle of Tequila Rose wasn't going to fit in the freezer. She then found an appropriate solution to the problem, removing a large frozen steak and launching it at her 51 year old boyfriend Jerry Voison. 

Her sobriety here is obviously uncontested here, and I don't just mean the apparent irritability or the insane mood swings, but her accuracy. The frozen meat hits Jerry directly in the face, opening a gash large enough for him to summon the authorities (which in this case I assume brought Dog The Bounty Hunter) to take her away.

"Edna, You need Jesus bra."

Edna was arrested for aggravated battery, but is currently out on bail. The condition of Jerry is unknown, though reports maintain that the steak was unharmed. Her judge must be a vegetarian, because where I come from, abusing steak is only paralleled by beating your children or voting Democrat.

Red Bull and the Apocalypse

Let's talk about Dakota Sailor. Dakota is an 18 year old boy from Carl Junction, MO who had a seizure and was hospitalized for 5 days after drinking just two (2) large energy drinks. Dakota and his doctor agree that the energy drinks may have been to blame. 

 I also did some LSD and watched a bunch of Pokemon. 

But I'm pretty sure it was the Red Bull.

Now The Poison Control Center has reported over 300 energy drink overdoses this year alone, reporting side effects that include seizures, rapid heart rate, irritability, and chest pain. No deaths though. Zero (0) deaths. So it could be said that Energy Drinks are no more dangerous than being surprised, going to a light show, a rock n roll concert, or perhaps watching Grey's Anatomy.

Considering the danger involved,
 I could probably be arrested just for showing you this.

The FDA may actually move to ban energy drinks in several states after communities became outraged at energy drink manufacturers' obvious plight to give you chest pains. I guess in America if you put it in a can and tell us it will make us the life of the party, then our life savings and our livers are yours for the taking. "Forget my liver! I'm gonna be famous!"

It's a shame nobody outfits these things with warnings! Directions perhaps, even something as simple as telling me when enough is enough would suffice. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT a MINUTE.

It must be really difficult to feign ignorance for the sake of rage. I imagine it's just as taxing to read a bunch of useful information and then play an idiot and pretend you didn't. These cans have been outfitted with warning labels for years, and almost all reports of overdose have resulted from drinkings MORE than the warnings say you should. If drinking more than the warning doesn't make the warning a legitimate representative for precaution, then it includes that CAFFEINE SENSITIVE persons shouldn't drink very much at all until they know it affects them. 

Sorry, pansy.

Did I mention that about a quarter of reported energy drink OD's are children under 6? Seriously? What parent is allowing their 5 year old to drink a can of Red Bull the size of his forearm? What kind of child that old could be ready for the awesome rush of power and charisma that is found inside of a BFC of MONSTER?

There he is.

So, a beverage with labels that specifically outlines how much is probably too much, ingredients listed, and daily servings charted, is on the verge of being banned for simply coexisting with morons.

Alcohol, on the other hand, reportedly boasts about 900 overdoses, a WEEK, does not include the ingredients, with no daily servings listed on the bottle. Also, instead of outlining what might be considered too much for the average person, it trusts the same people who don't understand what "Don't drink more than two per day" means with a warning as vague as "Drink Responsibly". I don't see anybody in line to ban the giggle juice.

Why's he look so tired? Get him a Red Bull.

It's been made fairly obvious that "responsibly" is a word that we don't understand, or, at the very least, can't say without a small giggle to indicate how ridiculous you sound saying it, CAN OF STUFF I'M GOING TO DRINK. 

Facebook Ads, Debunked

Ahhh Facebook. Facebook and Myspace and Texting and Email and the constant surveillance of you to your friends and your friends to you and strangers to you and you to strangers and everyone incessantly and unrelentingly giving a shit what everyone else is doing all the time, with every tool and intention necessary to keep track of it all. Now with billboards! You can of course, in the interest of you and capitalism in general, customize your sales experience here.

First....I click the X at the upper right hand corner of the ad I find disturbingly placed on my Facebook Page, which prompts the marketing engineers at FBHQ to interrogate me until I tell them whether it is because I found the ad either...


1) Misleading
2) Uninteresting
3) Repetitive
4) Too Sexually Stimulating to be free
5) A picture of a dog's severed head
or
6) Other

To my absolutely intoxicating enjoyment...when you click "other" you get to tell them why... Essay style.

Here are my responses to Ads that I felt were offensive for none of the reasons non-creative facebook marketing interns provided me:

CHRISTIAN SINGLES -----CHRISTIANMINGLE.COM

 The Face of Innocence (2011)

"Let's be honest here, the girl in the photo...the chosen snapshot, meant to offer a glimpse into what is to represent a much larger population of christian singles and otherwise conservatively trained daters...is undoubtedly giving somebody the fuck me eyes. I would only respond to this ad if I wanted to have sex with a woman who has no morals at all. Nothing screams  "non-biblically-sanctioned sexual acts are afoot" like the look of sheer desire in that woman's eyes. I've not the slightest idea why you would offer up this particular ad to such an obvious non-member of that interest anyways unless of course you had comedy on the ol' noggin...in which case, BRAV-fucking-O that is funny! To include with such an inappropriately positioned advertisement the almost satirically placed look of beast like intentions I haven't seen since Nine Inch Nails introduced me to true sadomasochism.... you guys are geniuses! haha!"



First in the series.

I Broke Down and Watched Twilight

While I did enjoy the film, I felt compelled to comment on one scene. Nothin major. Just faulty logic, which Hollywood is lucky only gets outed in free blogs like this. I'll save the trouble of writing nasty letters, death threats and kidnapped Schnauser's to the inevitably outraged readers of this blog.

Anywho. In the second film, there is a scene in which Bella our constantly in distress damsel, Edward the mind reading vampire, and Alice the clairvoyant (also a vamp), confront what I can only refer to as the Association of Vampirical Integrity and Well-being. The big boss, who will be known as Pasty Forehead Man, of course would like nothing more than his complete lack of shit giving towards humans get played out like a Saw movie in the form of Bella having her juicy lifeblood get sucked out of her like a Capri Sun.

 Guess which one I'm talking about.

Smart white girls are obviously on this guys shit list, leading me to believe that having a monstrously large powdered forehead awarded him no requests to the Sadie Hawkins dance and roughly a lot of No's from the ladies in his human years.

He subtly orders her to be emptied accordingly, which prompts the King of Preemptive Action Sir Edward Rosy Lips to intervene. This, my friends, is where it gets particularly ugly. Ed's attempt to save Bella are met with heavy resistance by Vamp number 4, or we can call him... Any pro wrestler with hands larger than John Goodman's face. Though agile, quick, and, ya know, mind reading, it is made abundantly clear to us at this point that Edward has no idea what a "chokeslam" is. He would have seen it coming, instead however, he gets the crash course of basic pro wrestling pain infliction about 9 times, destroying what I can only assume is stone furniture that for hundreds of years has furnished this particular throne room.

 Knowledge is power!

He is eventually subdued after destroying half the room with his head. Obviously, this minor act of aggression has a bit more of an impact considering the venue. Ya don't go to the principals office and throw a paperweight at his secretary, and ya don't go to the prime minister of Vampires and try to beat up his security by yourself.

 Though, admittedly, the office can be a crazy place.

So Pasty Forehead Man decides to squeeze in Edward for an immediate meeting with proper neck snapping and some dismemberment followed by fire.

 Great. I bet Alice is gettin pretty nervous at this point, I mean, if Edward and Bella both die, loose ends in the form of a clairvoyant vampire woman who's family was murdered gets kicked up a few notches on the honey do list.

Bella, distraught from watching Her boyfriend get manhandled by Andre the giant and be prepared for the damning of his immortal non soul to a special place for vampires prompts HER to speak up.

"Kill me! Not him" (not exact quote)

Okay.....

Yeah. Great Idea!

 I got my Masters here

That's kinda what we were tryin to do in the first place. Edward wasn't having a seizure he was trying to save you. So, kill you not him... Offers not really on the table anymore.

Let's take a step back Bella, because I suppose after I kill you, Edward here isn't gonna harbor any nasty feelings of resentment or anything.

 Not THIS guy.

He probably won't dedicate the next forever to devising some way to kill me and everyone I've ever talked to. Probably not. I'm willing to chance it.

Wait. Wait. No I'm not.

Also, regardless of Edwards more than likely though still only alleged desire to tear my head off right now and only more so after I pop your cherry so to speak, take a look around.

This architecture is hundreds of years old. That bench over there, the one that looks less like a bench than it does a pile of broken rock, I bought that in 1441, its fuckin priceless. The guy who made it died 500 years ago. So there's 6 ounces of gold I'm never gonna see again. The sign above the door says no rough housing, I specifically remained calm the entire time just so this wouldn't happen. Its not like I can insure this stuff, and even if I could, after about 200 years of having the same policy I think someone would get suspicious, that's not even mentioning the claim. What the hell do I say? Vampire brawl, no big deal mind your own business assholes? I didn't think so.

 No big deal or anything.

Edward your dad may be a doctor but I bet he's not in the market for a million dollar bench. I could have it fixed, sure, but then its not even the same bench. When Babe Ruths signature wears off a baseball ya don't fuckin trace it. Now times that by 6 and your talking about buying a new baseball and forging his signature and all ya got is a fake ass novelty item.

The steps leading to my throne are completely fucking smashed. Ill get a contractor to come and remake them with cement mix from home depot tomorrow. Or maybe, just maybe Edward, I can NEVER FUCKING USE THIS ROOM AGAIN BECAUSE EVERYTHING AWESOME ABOUT IT IS BROKEN.

 Well, get a broom then.

 Thank you for reading guys!

Elliott